Hi Pat
Thought you might like this letter to an ex. To risque to post to the
group though.
Letter to an Ex:
Dear Terri:
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I
swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little
boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make
contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling
back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's
cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I
don't care about looking bad anymore.
I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe
it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is
what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Terri."
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but
they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl
at the Rainbow Room and brought her home with me. I don't say this to
hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, Terri, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that
only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I
mean, just a perfect body. Tits you wouldn't believe and an ass like a
tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right?
But as I sat on the couch being blown by this coed, I thought, look at
the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so surface. What
does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this
case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better
person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive
Terri? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't
know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I'd tossed her about a quart of throat yogurt, I found
myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just
her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something
else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And
then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there,
Terri, to watch. Do you know that I mean? Nothing feels the same
without you, baby.
Jesus, Terri, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do
just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met
at Mt. Sinai Baptist Church? Well, she drops by last week with a pan of
lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman
around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the
real story. Anyway, we have a few glasses of wine and the next thing
you know we're fucking in our old bedroom. And this broad's a total
monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real
woman does when she's not hung up about God and her career and whether
the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror
on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we
straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but
it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Terri
ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14
years, and we never used it as a sex aid." (Some of this I thought about
later.) You know what I mean? What happened to our spontaneity? You get
so caught up in the routine of a marriage and you just lose sight of
each other. And then you lose yourself. That's the saddest part of all
for me.
But I keep thinking we can get it back. I know we can, because I only
want this stuff with you. Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy
of the restraining order. I mean, Shannon's just a kid and all, but
she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders. She's been a real friend
to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel
about you and about women in general. (She's pulling for us to get back
together, Terri. She really is.)
So we're drinking in the hot tub and talking about happier times.
Here's this hot girl with the same DNA as you (although, let's face it,
she got an extra helping of the sexy gene) and all I can do is think of
how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes
me cry. And then it turns out Shannon's really into the whole anal
thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you
about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness
between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside the
steaming hot Dutch oven of your sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is
think of you? It's true, baby. In your heart you know it.
Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances
and start fresh? I think we can. I keep thinking that I think if you'd
just try it, I wouldn't have to pressure you so much. Because who needs
all that bitterness, Terri? It just tears us apart. And I can't be
apart from you.
Because I love you.